“I said ‘I love you’ the day we got married. If I ever change my mind I’ll let you know.”

You might think that’s the punchline to a joke, but for couples who have been married for at least five years, 60% either stop saying “I love you” to their spouse or take their spouse’s affection for granted. This is a hard reality—one that is truly heartbreaking and one of many factors that often place couples on the path to divorce.

I want to take it a step further, though, and touch on a different relationship that is just as easy to take for granted—one that can affect marriage just as severely. That is our relationship with God and His proper place in our marriage.

I was speaking with my pastor about the way I view my wife. She is my driving earthly force for everything I do. I believe she and my children are blessings God has entrusted me with, and I honor Him by taking care of and providing for them. While my pastor agreed with most of what I said, he brought up a few interesting points that made me stop and think. He cautioned me against compartmentalizing serving God and serving my wife as separate things. He said I need to—and can best—serve my wife by first serving God and doing what is pleasing to Him.

He also pointed out that if my driving force is serving my wife, then when I inevitably let her down (which we all know will happen at some point), my purpose will become completely vain and void.

At first, I pushed back. I thought I was serving God by serving her. After all, I believe all husbands should lead as servants, ready to provide for and even die for their families. Ephesians 5:25 says, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her.” If I am focused on being everything for her—supplying, providing, sacrificing—then doesn’t it go without saying that I am also serving God?

That’s when I caught myself.

I realized that in marriage—and probably in other areas of my life—I had adopted the idea that if I was doing the honorable, sacrificial, or selfless deed as a Christian husband, then it automatically meant I was loving and serving God.

But think about this: If Jesus had been born, then 33 years later was nailed to a cross, and then three days after that rose again—but He never told us why—and instead took the posture of “It goes without saying…”—would we truly understand the significance? Would we grasp our significance to the Father? Without His intentional declaration of love, the example we have to follow would be highly confusing.

God wants us to say it.

He wants us to be intentional about acknowledging and praising Him. He wants us to affirm to ourselves the motivation behind our actions. He declared His love for us by sending His Son to die for us. He wants to hear how we love Him, just as we long to hear it from our spouse. Our love for Him cannot be passive or assumed—it must be definite, intentional, and acknowledged in everything we do.

Now, my pastor wasn’t saying anything against my wife or my desire to serve her as a husband should. Rather, he was reminding me that in my service, I should first seek God. In doing so, I will serve my wife more effectively.

He made this comparison:

• If I am serving God and I let down or disappoint my wife in a decision, I can still know that I am walking in truth—because I am only denying what He has led me to deny. And if she respects my leadership, then in spite of her disappointment, she will understand that as well.

• If I am strictly serving her and I let her down, then I am defeated—because not only is she disappointed in me, but I am also disappointed in myself for failing her. My actions would have been driven by pride, not by truth.

God made the biggest statement of love in human history. He didn’t say, “It goes without saying—I love you.” He expressed it in a way that only He could. He has given us a way to express it as well, and we should be constantly lifting our praise to Him and acknowledging His authority over our lives.

It shouldn’t just go without saying.

“And whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance; for you serve the Lord Christ.” – Colossians 3:23-24

Ask yourself:

• When you are motivated to do something, is God in the equation?

• How often do you allow God to give you confirmation before you act?

• When you do something, how often do you praise Him, thank Him, and acknowledge Him in it?